The truth about attachment
Learning about attachment has profoundly impacted the way that I show up in relationships but also in life. Often we think about our attachment style in the form of romantic relationships, but I have found that learning to feel secure and let go of attachments when they arise is transformational in all aspects of my life.
So what is attachment and how do we develop different styles of attaching to people and things? For me, attachment is the embodiment of my need to control people, places, and things in order to feel secure. I am deep in attachment when exercising my will feels not only important but the only means of survival.
Attachment is a deep craving for things to be a certain way.
- Yung Pueblo
The way we learn to attach and the patterns in how we handle attachment have been studied by psychologists for many years. According to attachment theory, though our attachment style can and will change throughout our lives, our baseline attachment style is heavily influenced by our bond as infants with our caregiver.
So what are the different types of attachment styles in adulthood?
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People with a secure attachment style are grounded in their value and security. They are able to maintain a healthy interdependence and trust in their relationships. Relationships tend to feel like a win-win.
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This is the rarest form of attachment style also known as disorganized attachment. It is characterized by high attachment and high avoidance. In relationships, a person with this style both craves and fears intimacy. They tend to anxiously perform to gain intimacy but then push their partner away when they get too close.
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People with this pattern of attachment often have low self-esteem and tend to depend heavily on their relationships to feel a sense of security. They seek intimacy yet become so preoccupied with the fear of losing their partner that they aren’t able to receive the intimacy that they crave.
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People with this attachment style value independence and tend to see intimacy as a threat to their identity. They avoid intimate relationships as a way to maintain their self-reliance and reject any form of dependence on another person.
Learning about our style of attachment can help us gain the self-awareness to recognize our patterns of relating to people. This awareness can help us to create space around our conditioned reaction to intimacy so that we can learn to consciously respond in a way that is conducive to a healthy relationship.
I have been learning about attachment for a few years now and honestly, I am still learning how to create that space and respond rather than react. A huge part of healing my attachment style is learning to accept myself the way I am and love myself in the process of growing.
Here are a few tools I have found helpful in healing my attachment style:
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Meditation helps me to create space for my mind and heart to be open to change and possibility. When I meditate I am able to access the inner peace, joy, and love I already have in abundance inside myself.
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Journaling helps me to see my thoughts more objectively and determine if they are rooted in truth or fear. I will write down the story I am currently telling myself, determine how that is serving me, then flip the script to gain more perspective and agency. It also helps to write down my intentions and crystalize my learnings from each day.
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It has been helpful for me to go to talk things through with a coach to gain perspective on my inner dialogue. Coaching has helped me to ask myself the tough questions, get honest, and stay accountable to using my tools when attachment arises.
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Releasing my will to a power greater than myself in prayer sets me free from fear. An overwhelming sense of serenity overcomes me when I let go of control and surrender to the moment.
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Tapping into my connection with nature allows me to feel grounded in the role I play in the collective community. I feel more in tune with my sense of self and the oneness I have with the world around me through simply being.
Breaking free from attachment is a rewarding and powerful journey that is everlasting. I believe that though we all may have different patterns of attaching, we all can benefit from learning to detach from our need for control and this is a lifelong learning process for all of us.
If you enjoyed this article, check out my podcast episodes on attachment where I dive into my personal experiences and bring attachment styles to life through storytelling below.